Déjà vu

Things I never thought would repeat, replay in my life over and over again. The same scenes, the same pain, but hopefully not the same outcome.

"History never repeats itself and yet history always repeats itself."

Last time, during Ara, I left feeling so bitter and so angry. I dealt with the pain, my pain and his, with anger and alcohol. Those two A's drove me to the end of the world. I lost myself in a haze of pain and hatred, wanting to be left to alone, to focus, to channel my excess energy towards my studies and to hating him. This I thought made me strong. Stronger than I had ever been. But what I did not realise back then is that in losing myself I drove him towards the edge. In changing my path, I altered his to the point of no return. But back then this could not touch my black heart as I was consumed with so much pain that all I wanted was to feel nothing but satisfaction at my arrows that pierced his life.

Despite my anger and arrows he stayed close, holding my hand when breathing got too hard. The further into the darkness I wandered, the closer my friends became. Bonded in their desperate attempt to save me from myself. Bonded together in their hatred for the one that broke not only my heart but also my soul.

... ... ...

Much time has passed since that dark haze, however history is repeating itself but I refuse to keep the button on replay.

... ... ...

Yet another broken heart, yet more tear filled nights, yet more memories crashing into me. I feel as if I am a ragged doll which has been tossed into the sea. Waves slam me up against rock faces, and pull me under, swirling into my lungs and constricting every beat of my heart.

But this time I have the will to live, to fight. I refuse to let the tides pull me down and the darkness consume me. I finally have my chance at fixing history. Or at least one piece of the history I did not know better to do or not do last time.

This time History, I can play you on an even playing field. I know that anger, alcohol and hatred will not leave me better off on the score card, and I have also learnt that shooting arrows into his life will only get me a red card. Therefore, I have devised a clever plan. My unexpected penalty goal.

I will own you in this game, History. This is one battle I will not lose.

No matter how hard you play your attackers, no matter how much he pushes through my first line of defenders, I will not let him score into my heart. I, the goalie, will not falter in this round.

I admit I was naive to think you would play fair. After all, History it is you that stated that all is fair in love and war.

This is war. And I am Sparta.

No matter what he says, no matter what he does, I have to keep playing. I will not fall for his trick plays. I will just play the ball, the fairest and straightest way I know how. No longer will I make cheap shots, or play the victim to gain a few yards.

Cheap shots and victimisation will only be the forbidden arrows. I refuse to hurt his defenders, despite their constant bid to tear me down. You can't hold me down. I will keep gaining and you will never catch me.

I will not be the death of him.

History, you may be able to hurt me with your memories, and your constant doubts but no longer will you use me to punish him. That much I have learnt from last time.

His defenders are weak, they cannot hold forever. His mistakes in the game plan are showing, yet I have no need for them as I know how to win with my own two feet. My defenders will run behind me as I lead the onslaught.

History, you are history.