circle of life

Wow its been nearly a year since I have written in this...time truly does fly by.
I wish I could say that things have changed, well I guess I wish I could say certain things have changed but I can't.

Four years ago I fell in love. In love with a guy who couldn't or wouldn't love me back. I waited and waited and fought on through the pain of loving him but to no avail. He wasn't mine and I couldn't be his. I told him long ago that loving him would leave scars, scars that would never heal and neither of us could have known how right I would be.

In order to be his friend, in order to keep some bit of him, I moved on. Yet again I fell in love. In love with a boy who I trusted would be the man I could give my all to some day. For two hard, long, painful years I fought for this boy, for the life I knew we both deserved but he too left me cut. Deeply.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I know what I must do but I am unsure as to what it is I want to do. Truly do. Many forks in the road.
I loved both of them. Differently of course but no more or less than the other. May be that is a lie, even I don't know anymore.
Both of them cut me, so deeply that at times I can't breathe from the share amount of blood loss they caused.

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First love, true love...whats the difference?

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I think I have always held a flame for the first love, may be I always will. The love that fills every corner of your heart and soul, the love that every great romance movie and book holds. The love filled with immense amounts of passion, not just for the one you love but for life itself. The first man I let see my heart and all the pain inside of it. The first to hold me in a way I let no other and will let no other.The man I moved on for as he gave me no other path to follow. His choice or lack of choice led me to another.

The broken path he gave me led me to my second love. Second in no other way then in the obvious way, he was not my first.The love I held for him saw no boundaries, outstretched the many seas and outgrew the many trees. I saw in him everything I had deserved the first time around, everything I knew I could be and everything I wanted. May be it wasn't passionate love, may be it wasn't the thing of fairy tales but it was love all the same. It was like wine and cheese, the love that grew with time and patience and got richer the older it got. The love that all great marriages are made of. The love that conquers death and outlasts time. The love that changes and alters you and your world so deeply, that things truly will never be the same.

Neither loved me for long. The first I pushed away with my cold words and hurtful ways. The second I lost through no fault of mine. He couldn't follow where I wanted to go despite knowing I would have chosen a different path for him.

What next...do I move past all the cuts and hope that soon they will turn into scars, or do I pick at old cuts in hopes of opening the connections to those wounds again?